Products You May Like
It’s November. You know what that means. The nights are longer, the weather is colder and, just to top it all off, a whole bunch of people who should really know better are going to spend the next four weeks growing out a moustache to varying degrees of success for perhaps the weakest portmanteau ever contrived, Movember.
As the fuzzy-faced among you may know, this can be a hard graft. It gets a little itchy, your coffee will stick to it, friends and loved ones might even go as far as to be worried for your safety in public. For the month of November, those who go with the mo’ have to stand resolute.
That is why we have put together the following list of inspiration. Not every video game character has the ability to pull off a ‘tache, but those that do can really pull it off. The following list details the good, the bad and the ugly moustaches in video games. Yes, we’ve ranked them in tiers from A-mazing to F-or the love of God, no! — how couldn’t we? — but remember that anything close to the following would be a cracking Movember attempt.
Get those upper lip follicles at the ready as we start at the bottom. Let’s-a MO!
Video Game Characters’ Moustaches Ranked
F Rank: Follically Challenged (Please Shave Immediately)
The President
There are many of us out there who might feel a certain affiliation to The President’s moustache. First appearing in Pikmin 2, these five stands of hair will be a familiar sight to anyone on their first year of Movember. We all picture something big and burly on our first attempt (perhaps something that might require combing and styling by the end of the month), but the fact of the matter is, our upper lips have all been home to some Presidential facial hair(s) at some point.
Despite lacking size, however, The President’s ‘tache looks suspiciously thick, almost as if those five strands would poke your eye out if you were unfortunate enough to come too close. Wait, is that why Olimar wears that massive helmet?
We’re sorry, Mr. President, Nintendo has some great moustaches in its ranks, but yours isn’t one of them.
Overall rating: 1/10
E Rank: Er, Okay
Captain Charlie
It’s a shame that this list had to begin with such Pikmin slander, but the fact of the matter is that the franchise is a bad one when it comes to inspirational facial hair.
Take Captain Charlie, for example. He rocks up to Pikmin 3 fresh-faced and bushy-tailed, but wait a minute, what’s that on his face? His moustache is so tiny and spaced out that we can only assume Charlie keeps it to distract from the mohawk atop his head — or is it the other way around?
True, it’s an improvement on the chipolatas hanging from the President’s nose, and there’s something to be said for a stylish Errol Flynn-like pencil moustache, but we’re looking for sizeable Movember inspiration here, and there is far better to be taken elsewhere.
Overall rating: 2/10
Sparrot
There are a lot of bad moustaches in the Zelda franchise, but Sparrot’s little attempt in Skyward Sword takes the biscuit simply based on how hilariously small it is.
It’s like somebody, somewhere saw some early plans for Captain Charlie and thought, ‘you know, if we just put those two little bits together then we might be onto something special.’
The result is truly one of the funniest ‘tache attempts in gaming. It’s nothing to aim for, but it belongs on the list for the sole reason that we wanted to look at the picture just one more time.
Overall rating: 2/10
Revolver Ocelot
We have nothing against the ‘tache rocked by Ocelot in Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes, but we would be lying if we said that it was anything special.
Sure, it isn’t patchy and it works with the whole evil villain vibe that’s clearly going on, but there’s just nothing to distract the eye here. We don’t want to see moustaches which could pass us by unnoticed, grow out something special – if you can – and leave this standard little number for your grandad.
Overall rating: 2.5/10
D Rank: A Decent Attempt
Mario
Okay, this one is bound to ruffle some feathers, but hear us out here. Mario’s moustache is not all that.
It may well be Nintendo’s most iconic attempt, but, let’s admit it, if you saw anything like this in real life you would be grossed out. It is thick to the point of being too thick, those bobbly lumps at the bottom? has the man never heard of wax? It is in desperate need of a good cleanup.
Don’t get us wrong, there is a lot to be proud of here and many of us would aspire to have facial hair this prominent. Give him a hot towel and a once-over at a barber’s and you might just be onto something which could climb the ranking a little. But until then, Mario’s ‘stache is the worst of the Mushroom Kingdom crew.
Overall rating: 3/10
Marvin Grossberg
Now this is a fine example of what Mario could achieve with just a little bit of self-care and planning.
The defence lawyer from the Ace Attorney series might just be one of the best-kept moustaches on this list. It has decent length and thickness, and those curly tips can’t be natural. Seriously, Marvin, drop your wax tips in the comments below.
So why is it in the humble D-Class on this list? Simple, it’s still kinda gross. A ‘tache that big would be a hard thing to pull off at the best of times, but pair it with a haircut that mirrors it and it’s an overall no-go.
Still, if you have the ability to grow something like this in a month, then fair play to you.
Overall rating: 4/10
C Rank: Cheeky But Appealing
Professor Rowan
You see, Grossberg, this is how you pair a big ol’ moustache with your haircut.
First appearing in Pokémon Diamond and Pearl, Professor Rowan changed the game for what we want from our Pokétaches. Balancing that length with the whole silver fox look is a tricky manoeuvre, but Rowan can pull it off.
The only issue here is that it is a little, meh. Sure, seeing a real person rocking a ‘tache this large would undoubtedly grab your attention, but this is the world of video games! We don’t want pesky real life getting in the way of physically challenging facial hair. Definitely room for improvement.
Overall rating: 5/10
Wario
We’ll admit it, the reason why Wario finds himself above Mario is because his moustache has always straight-up baffled us. Is it shaved into that shape? Does he crimp it each morning? If so, what does it look like pre-styling? We need answers.
Through its sheer ability to bamboozle alone, the ‘tache Wario wears deserves to sit in the middle category on this list. You wouldn’t want to grow one like this yourself, per se, but if you saw somebody out and about rocking this zig-zag number then you would surely be impressed.
Overall rating: 5/10
Waluigi
Here he is. The rose-wielding meme king himself. And yes, he is above Wario.
Much like his antagonistic compatriot, the reason for Waluigi’s higher status is the sheer matter of possibility. If that is what the ‘tache looks like in its styled state, then we are desperate to know how far down it reaches when it gets wet.
A look like this takes a serious amount of planning, and you know what, we can’t help but respect that.
Overall rating: 6/10
Matt
This may well be everyone’s least-favourite entry on the list. It’s true, we all have a personal grudge with Wii Sports‘ Matt that runs back to the hazy days of 2006, and can we really class that as a moustache? The fact of the matter is, we have to look objectively at the task at hand, and yes, yes that is a moustache. And a not-unimpressive one, at that.
Matt’s facial hair might look a bit, we don’t know, ordinary? But that’s precisely what makes this goatee so exceptional. It is something that could actually feasibly be grown and rocked this November.
Could it do with a little neatening up around the chin, perhaps bordering on going full handlebar? Why certainly. But what Matt brings in sheer athleticism, he almost matches in facial hair ability.
Overall rating: 6/10
We’re halfway through our ranking and we haven’t even touched on the really great entries yet! For the top three ranks, be sure to read on into page 2!