Products You May Like
In the magazine business, the Back Page is where you’d find all the weird goofs that we couldn’t fit in anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag”. We don’t have pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes — so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page.
Today, Jim wonders what’s next for Pokémon apps…
So the February Pokémon Presents showcase happened, huh? Maybe it was just us, but this one didn’t feel very Switch-y. Sure, there was the mention of Pokémon Scarlet and Violet‘s DLC (what a surprise!), but the majority of the presentation was taken up by ‘news’ on events, cards and, yes, apps.
In a showcase where Pokémon Sleep‘s release date is one of your headline reveals, there ain’t much going on. But this Pokémon-themed nighttime monitor did get us thinking about where The Pokémon Company might move next in the world of ‘lifestyle’ apps. Of course, Pokémon Smile (the tooth-brushing encouragement app) is already a real thing, so that was off the table. But there are so many avenues left to explore, so many daily tasks that could only benefit from needlessly having a Pokémon slapped on the cover and shifted for the premium price of £1.99.
Here are some of the remaining Pokémon-themed lifestyle apps that we really never need to see, but wouldn’t be surprised if they were revealed tomorrow…
Pokémon Gym
Pokémon GO was all about getting people out and about, right? So really a gym/training app wouldn’t be pushing the boat out that much further.
A series of workouts designed by Machamp would guide you through a four, six or eight-week training programme to get you looking just as ripped as any Fighting-Type. We can just picture a number of buff Pokémon in animated tutorials showing you what a squat is compared to a deadlift, probably with a sweaty Pikachu appearing at the end of each workout to tell you how well you did.
You could even collect gym badges for achieving a certain number of workout streaks! Wait, we’re onto something here…
Pokémon Love
“I choose you.”
“Feel Butterfrees in your stomach.”
“Find your SoulSilver mate.”
This stuff writes itself.
We’re imagining a Tinder-style ‘yes/no’ layout where you can judge various singles based on their respective Pokémon team and accomplishments. For the reasonable plan of £2.99 a month, subscribers can throw a daily Master Ball at someone that really stands out in the long grass.
Ah, the power of love. Isn’t it Beautifly.
Pokémon Diet
Nope, we’re not talking about that weird eating Pokémon trend here, so don’t go expecting any peeled Magicarp for the time being.
The series has always been big on food (just look at those Scarlet and Violet picnics for crying out loud), so why not cash in on the potentially toxic world of calorie counting and let everyone know just how many Razz Berries you are supposed to eat in a day.
There could be low-fat recipes for those who want to lose weight and high-protein substitutions for anyone who wants to build muscle. Are we sensing a tie-in with Pokémon Gym here?
Pokémon Weather
Unfortunately, something like this is probably the most realistic option for another Pokémon-themed lifestyle app. Unashamedly pointless, like the best of ’em.
It’s just the weather. That’s it. Only this time, cute pictures of weather-themed ‘mon would appear on your lock screen to let you know the daily forecast (Pikachu in thunder, Altaria for cloud, Solrock in the sun — you get the idea).
Maybe there would be a fun little feature where you could see the weather in, let’s say, Kanto for this week. You’d have to pay extra for that privilege, of course, but who would turn down the chance to have such a useful tool??
Pokémon Finance
With bills as clearly defined as ‘electricity’ and ‘water,’ we’re kind of amazed that TPC hasn’t tried to come up with some kind of money-planning app.
We mean, come on, what could be more indicative of a cost of living crisis than a small animation of a sweating Pikachu appearing on your screen whenever you get your monthly billing information?
Ok sure, so it might “get in the way” of an otherwise “extremely important task,” but hey, at least it would give an opportunity to use menu headings like Save Your Pika-Pennies as a signifying Chest Form Gimmighoul slowly empties in the corner.
Pokémon Speak
With language learning apps like Duolingo out there, it’s surely only a matter of time before we can start to learn made-up tongues like those spoken by Pokémon.
You would be able to take on courses of varying lengths that would run you through all of the required vocab from “Pika” to, uh, “Pika-Pika”.
Yeah, some of these might be easier to master than those on Duolingo, but at least you’ll be able to visit Hoenn and feel like one of the locals.
Pokémon Relax
Pokémon Sleep is all about getting a good night’s rest, so what about an app to help you decompress after a stressful day? Think of popular apps like Headspace or Calm, but with the Pokémon anime theme played softly on the harp in the background. Mmmm, I know it’s my destinyyy…
A series of meditation sessions probably centred around an image of Charmander sitting calmly on a cushion actually sounds pretty nice to us. In fact, it sounds a lot like the ASMR videos The Pokémon Company puts out on occasion (see below).
There could even be a number of manifestation programmes recorded by the dulcet tones of, we don’t know, Stephen Fry, repeating positive affirmations such as “I am the very best” and “I will catch ’em all”.
Will any of the above ever see the light of day? We wouldn’t bet against it. Which lifestyle app would like to see get the Pokémon treatment? Let us know in the comments.