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If somebody grabs you from behind and turns you into a human shield in Call Of Duty: Black Ops 6, they can drag you around for about five seconds before you die, assuming they don’t execute you early. Here are 12 things you can do in those five seconds:
1) Lean back in your chair, throw your arms up and luxuriously stretch out your shoulder muscles, while gazing through the window opposite at the sun and clouds and savouring anew the wonder and strangeness of being alive, on this particular day in this particular place on this particular ball of rock, in a vast and empty cosmos
2) Switch windows and complete a move order in the excellent Arco, a tactics RPG with freeze-time combat, set in a fantastical version of South America
3) Be the bigger person and congratulate your captor over the game’s proximity chat. Say something like: “Oh my heavens, what an excellent flanking manoeuvre! You certainly called my duty.”
4) Explain to your captor that they have blundered right into your trap. How could they have fallen for such an obvious ruse? Truly, it would be laughable if it weren’t so pathetic.
5) Seize the opportunity to appraise the battle in pop-out third-person view. This is your chance to make note of future cover positions, and check out everybody else’s usage of the new omnimovement system, without having to worry about hitting them. Generally, when I’m fighting somebody who knows how to omnimove in Blops 6 it feels like shooting at spiders. Very large spiders with assault rifles.
6) Ingest and chew exactly one mouthful of regular-flavoured Pot Noodle
7) Spit out exactly one mouthful of regular-flavoured Pot Noodle, because that shit has been on your desk since Friday, you really need to give the room a once-over before your folks get home – oh god, what time is it, how is it already 4pm
8) Unleash your patented nonsensical catchphrase. “There goes the barnyard, and you can tell ’em I said so!” “Snoot’s as good as a slap to a whistle on Wednesday, Reverend!”
9) Don’t just monologue over proximity chat – rediscover the lost art of conversation. Perhaps your captor is experiencing tough times and could benefit from a kind word from a passing stranger. Be sure to prepare some brief, supportive quotes in advance. For example: “The heart is the toughest part of the body – tenderness is in the hands” (Carolyn Forché).
10) Loudly and derisively compare the meatshield mechanic in Blops 6 to meatshielding in the Gears Of War series and especially Gears Of War 3, which was superior in terms of both visual flair and intricacy of execution. Kids today wouldn’t know a meatshield from a cover-mantle. You can’t even turn me into a human bomb, you poseur.
11) Try to pass yourself off as the in-game match commentator. We’re losing A!
12) Take a few seconds to drink in the spectacle of your character being abducted. Nod approvingly at your surgical choice of cosmetics, the perfection of your skin-and-camo accessorisation. Not many people can look fabulous while being hauled around like a mattress, but once again, you’ve managed it.
Black Ops 6’s multiplayer beta is currently underway. Here’s how you get access.